I have read 178 books. I have seen 13 movies in the theatre. I have attended several parties, roller derby, a belly dance show, a burlesque show, a concert, and much more. My dad died. I reconnected with my half sister, Chelli. My dog died. I gained 5 pounds. I met several of my favorite authors. I made a ridiculous tiara out of Barbie heads. I turned 42. I drank mead, wine and cocktails. I learned how to drink water. I applied for a job I really wanted and I didn’t get it. I started a book club. I got sick and then got better. I bought a wonderful turquoise hat. I got compliments from people about my hat, my 80s jingle charm necklace, my hair tinsel, my boots, my general sense of style. A friend told another friend that she loved how brave and creative I was with my style. I didn’t write very much, because I wasn’t hearing the stories in my mind. There was too much static. But it is starting to clear and I am hearing words again. So…here I am.
The last couple years with plague, school, work, wenches and life have been difficult. I often felt stretched beyond my limits and the result of that was my Christmas tree staying up since I put it up in December of 2020. Part of it was that it had my favorite ornaments on it which made me happy to look at but part of it was just that at any given time I simply did not have the energy to take the tree down.
Yesterday, the tree came down. I was doing a general clean up and I said, that tree is coming down today. So I took all the ornaments and put them in the tote that had been sitting by the tree since 2020 just waiting to be loaded back up with ornaments. I disassembled the tree and put it away. I swept the area where the tree had been.
Today it feels like a weight I did not realize I was carrying was lifted off my shoulders. The tree is down. And I think I will put up the pink tree in its place this year. But I finally had the energy left to do this simple, but necessary task. What other simple things have I been neglecting for myself while filling other baskets with energy. All I know is that the Christmas tree is down. And I feel great about it.
Also, today Angela Lansbury died. I loved her in so many films, shows and plays. Here is a collage of some of my favorite roles of hers clockwise from top left: As Eglentine Price in Bedknobs and Broomsticks, as Nancy in Gaslight, as Mrs Lovett in Sweeney Todd, as Princess Gwendolyn in The Court Jester, as Aunt Adelaide in Nanny McPhee, and as Jessica Fletcher in Murder She Wrote.
We spent all day the 8th at the Ohio Renaissance Festival and then came home and were in bed exhausted by 8pm. It was a beautiful fall day and Viking Weekend which led to possibly record breaking numbers at Ohio Ren. Plus we had visiting wenches from Michigan who invaded and were part of Wench Collecting this weekend. It was a busy but fun day.
I got to wear my new custom Journeyman Leather Corset. It happened because last year we walked in so my mom could pay for her custom bodice from them (it has the Breast Cancer ribbon on the back). Morgan, the man making pieces for them last season, was looking for pink leather in the boxes of leather and came out with this deep brown fringe. He said he had no idea what they would do with the fringe because they got it in a big lot of leather they bought. I raised my hand and said, “Um, If I were to buy a corset could you put it along the top?” And he thought a minute then said, “Yeah, we could do that. Do you want it on the top front and back and the bottom as well both sides.” Of course I said yes. It turned out amazing!!
Last Tuesday I woke up around 9 o’clock in the morning. I said good morning to my husband and then I went into the bathroom to take a shower with a special anti-bacterial soap. I dressed in a pair of leggings and a sweatshirt. Around 10:45am Seth and I headed out to meet my mom at Grant Medical Center downtown. I was checked in and brought to a room where I changed into a surgical gown and socks. I waited here with my mom and Seth keeping me company until my doctor was ready. I was wheeled to surgery around 3:45pm and was in recovery around 5pm. I was in a room around 6pm and I was released around midnight to go home with my husband. We stopped at Taco Bell on the way home because I hadn’t eaten anything but crackers since around 7:30 Monday night. We ate dinner and went to bed and I no longer had any fallopian tubes.
The official name of the surgery is Laparoscopic Salpingectomy. They made three small incisions: one on each side of my lower belly and one in my belly button. Then they removed my tubes completely. It is more efficient and safer than having the tubes tied or cauterized and there is no chance of ectopic pregnancy or pregnancy at all.
When Roe v. Wade was overthrown by the Supreme Court I was sent into a mild panic. As a woman who has never wanted to have children and who typically utilizes the kinds of long term birth control that is also being called into question I immediately felt like some kind of permanent solution had to be found for me. I had been trying to get my tubes tied since I was in my twenties and was consistently told no. But, last year my sister who was 29 got approved for her tube removal, so I called her gynecologists’ office to make an appointment there.
Dr. Williford walked in and said, you want to get your tubes removed. I confirmed I did. She said okay, let’s get you scheduled for surgery. I literally almost cried. It was that simple. I went in with a list of reasons, my husbands permission, etc. And she tells me that their office “believes women should be able to do whatever they want with their tubes.”
Now here I am, a week of healing behind me. I will have some tiny scar on my belly that will be barely noticeable amongst the stretch marks already marking that skin. I cannot get pregnant anymore. I am breathing easier than I have since the day of the Supreme Courts action. Now I need to work to help others who aren’t as lucky as me. I am looking at volunteering for Planned Parenthood. I am donating to the Ohio Abortion Fund. I am voting in my best interests. This is my weapon of choice, choosing what is best for me, my friends, my sisters, my niblings, and our world.
Time is flying by with a speed that is almost shocking in its velocity. I swear it was just January and now here it is almost April. Part of it is the world coming back to semi-life after the strange half-life of covid. Part of it is the pressure of my Masters degree almost being done and wanting to ensure that I am going out on a high note. And part of it is just life being life and moving and flowing and having highs and lows as it is wont to do and I am just along for the ride.
I am not going to try to catch up completely but in the last couple of months I saw 2 drag shows, attended a birthday party, made new friends, attended a pirate party, toured a distillery, did a whiskey tasting, did a mead tasting, attended a fancy dress party, and so much more. This is what that looked like:
I have some weird stuff in the works, including a tiktok series of me reading the angsty and poorly written poetry of my teenage years. If you are interested find me on tiktok @betsysnowwhite.
In the past couple of years I have become friends with some absolutely amazing people, and a couple of people have asked me how I make friends as an adult. I can honestly say that I have absolutely no idea, lol. I have become the kind of person who will just start talking to people, and just kind of put myself out there. I do not know where this came from because if you had asked me I would have told you that I was a bit shy and reserved. Now, however I am the kind of person who will just walk up say hi and ask if we can be friends. It is not subtle, lol.
My husband, Seth, says that I have a vast reserve of emergency bravery that I access when it is needed. This is a pretty accurate description for what happens when I turn it on, because I will be nervous with butterflies and anxiety until it is time and then suddenly I am outgoing in a way that I have never been before. I manifest self-confidence in the strangest way and I kind of love it.
A big part of this change in my demeanor was becoming the Madam of Local 73 for the International Wenches Guild. Suddenly I am just approaching people to introduce myself, being a welcome wagon, pitching, getting people to play games, and offering cards and info to bad ass future wenches. I have pushed myself so far out of my comfort zone, that I forget what my comfort zone was. It is a strange thing to realize that while I might have once been shy, now I am the kind of person who hands out cards and asks people to come play with me, really.
This is also the guiding force to when I decided to start a skating group during the pandemic. I just put it out there and then took charge, something that young me would never have done. I got to meet some amazing people that I never would have met if I hadn’t just put it out there.
I decided to make this year the year of Badass for myself, but I honestly think I have been on my way there for a while. I just didn’t notice because I was having too much fun.
February is always a strange month for me. It feels like a transitional month no matter what else is happening in the month. Part of this is that Seth and I both have March birthdays, as does my sister-in-law, Niki, so we are constantly looking forward to what is to come. Part of it is also that in the last several years the majority of Ohio’s wintery weather appears in the month of February. Add all this to the fact that it is already the shortest month of the year and it becomes the ultimate liminal space.
Because of that I often spend the month in a bit of a shadow work, self-reflection and deep thinking space that can be both insightful and a little painful. Maybe my mind wants to work through all the crap before I turn another year old, or maybe I have a mild case of Seasonal Affective Disorder. Currently I am working through some anxiety issues, some impressive imposter syndrome, and some issues with holding myself back because of fear of failure. These are nothing new but they are here and I am working through them. I am making myself journal some of this out, and working through it with Tarot as well. The work is necessary and not very fun.
The plus is I am learning some good things about myself and my psyche as well, so you take the light with the shadow, right?
Photo below of all seeing eye earrings made by the daughters of my friend Susan. They run an etsy shop called RoamJewels where they sell their beautiful jewelry.
I used to be a prolific journaler. I always had a journal in hand. I used them as a diary, a planner, a scrapbook, and storage space. I still carry one with me, but I just don’t seem to use it as much as I used to. It is something I would like to get back to. I pulled out my old journals recently to help me write a poem for my poetry class, because I had a list of things I could be when I grow up and the poem needed to include a list.
Today I was looking at these amazing pieces of my history. Taking a moment to read back through old relationships, how I have never really known what I want to do with my life, lists of things I want to do, buy or be, fun articles, my favorite horoscopes, and bits of overheard conversation. There are feathers, leaves, bits of ribbon, little drawings, poems, cards, and so many stickers. I read through the first days of Seth and I’s relationship, how hopeful I was while being cautious, it is so cute to read being a couple for almost 14 years (the anniversary of our first date is in May).
My journals have been composition books that I decoupaged and decorated. They have also been beautiful art books that I have purchased from artists. I don’t know that I have a preference on which of these is better. I have loved them both, and worn them both out to the point that they are fraying on the edges and very well loved. The composition books have more me on the outside but it is the inside that counts, right?
Photos of my various journals.
These books hold so much of my past in their pages. And I am shocked and dismayed to see so many similar themes popping up from then to now, wanting to be thinner, feeling directionless, hating my job, fearing change…over and over again. I can see that there are some big changes needed in my life. Or, I can see that my mindset needs to shift beyond these things.
Here are some of my favorite pages, pieces, poems, and such from my journals over the years.
I am feeling a pull for a new journal. I feel like I might have a new composition book upstairs. Maybe it is time to break out the ModPodge, magazines and ephemera to make a new one. And start making lists again and wishing and dreaming to myself.
Also, in case you were curious here is the poem I wrote for class from my list.
When I Grow Up… English Professor, or author or maybe both? Journalist, or radio host, or One of those crazy morning shock jocks. The girl who makes orgasm noises for songs, or the opera singer for horror movie climax (just a different climax). Counselor or psychiatrist. 800-number psychic friend, “Call me now for your free tarot reading.” Belly Dancer? Lawyer? Warrior Princess? Open a bookstore, with a cat and lots of comfy chairs. As a girl I was told that when you hit 40 you are old. Here I am breaking the mold And trying to decide what I will be when I grow up.
I rehomed a vanity that was my mother’s a couple of years ago after my aunt moved. It has been sitting in my bedroom acting as a catch-all since. I recently decided that I would like to set it up, alongside a nyx travelcase I bought off a local auction site (I got it for about $40 and it retails online for $500. A total steal!), and start getting ready there in the morning.
First step was to paint the vanity. I decided I wanted it to be pink, incredibly pink, so off we went to Lowes to buy paint. I ended up choosing a paint called Flower Power. I got the furniture/cabinet paint because it said there was no need to sand or prime when using it. It did take several coats of paint, but the wood was quite dark, so that is not super surprising. Here are some before shots of the vanity and the top of the stool.
Here is some part of the way shots. This was 1-1.5 coats in.
The final product with Nyx Case set up beside and ready for me to get reasy in the morning! I am so in love with this. I will be adding more decoration, but I am so happy with how this turned out.
How did this happen? How is the year halfway over? I have no idea but it is.
I am that much closer to Forty, OMG! I am not overly worried about turning forty, but there are certain things I would like to do before that birthday hits. I would like to get closer to my weight loss goal, if not hit it. I would like to find a new job that allows me to use my degree any at all. I would like to get more regular with my writing schedule. So many things.
I am a woman who likes to set goals, and gets a thrill when I reach them. I am also a woman who is prone to procrastination. Take procrastination and add on the pandemic and suddenly I am barely a functioning person.
Anxiety and depression are rearing their heads for me in a big way and I am having trouble convincing myself that I should reach out to my PCP for help. Sometimes at times like this calling to make an appointment feels like an impossible task. I will get there and make the call, just not quite yet.
On a plus my little sister surprised me with a little planter the other day that is Albert Einstein, so I bought a tiny succulent for it. It looks amazing and kinda like Albert is wearing a black sweatband.
Betsy Snow White Bibliophile 